team-mates

awww Glee is on tv, the only nice song they had on today was the Thong Song...im still loving that song years later. Awwww no some prick is playing Sue! urgh.
anyway its been such a long weekend I am so shattered. I have been drained and dont feel like I got much done. why why why??
So now Im just thinking about team players.. Basically how its good to know who is on your team and who isnt. when i say team player i mean someone who is willing to tak hits for you and someone who is ther for you no matter what. fortunately errbody in my immediate family is definately a team player....ride or die.lol!
Then in life you meet people who you think are team players but when it comes to the war itself they dont have your back.Its always good to clock the situation and know where you stand with people.
At this age I have definately figured out who will ride with me. The real people who really care, and those are the people I keep closest to my heart cos the unconditional love is reciprocated.
Its so important to have a solid team around you, in this day and age you need to know who is just messing you about. That song says "some of them want to use you..." so true.
No point in wastin you energy on such, instead focus upon your team. They are the people who give you spirit, the people who strenghten you....cos they got your back, And with that confidence nothing can hold you back ;)

....why you shouldnt read your diary for at least 5 years ;)

So I'm listening to taylor swift-today was a fairy tale. Its such a cute song, I totally love it "can you feel the magic in the air, it must have been the way you kissed me" awwww. So even though I'm totally in 'man-hating mode' I still love a good love song and all those messed up feelings it gives you. Reminds me of when I was deeply in love and thought the sun shone out of his....ok lemme leave it right there...lol!

Im packing up my stuff now. getting ready to leave. Im not even going to go into all the emotions Im feeling, but I will talk about the diary I found and got the courage to read today. I dont write eveeryday but when I get the chance and time. I can write everyday then go for years without saying anything, but its such a good barometer of my state of mind...lol! well I can see how far I have come interms of spiritual and mental growth etc. And I guess in a way this is my new diary.

So anyway i was reading the ones from my uni days, well those were letters between me and my girlfriend. I almost cried with laughter and nostalgia. we were so young and innocent. I wish i could go and hug those two girls, life was so good back then. Not complicated by work and men and bills and kids. We were just young girls with hopes and dreams. Very innocent.
In many ways we still are but now we have the battle scars. we have experienced so much in these last few years.

I got to reading my diary entries from my relationship days. It made me really emotional. I saw the progression of the relationship from liking this guy to loving him with all my heart. I think what made me feel so sore when reading all of that was reliving the memories of the intimacies of a relationship. the words you share, the time you share together. Little things, how he made me feel on a particular day, what he said to me. Things that made me smile, things that made me feel special, things that made me angry....all those relationship things. But I was reading and reading and wondering what happened to that guy? what happened to "I love you"? if I could go back in time what could i tell that girl hearing those things? would I warn her of the impending heartbreak? Would i tell her to stop falling harder everyday? to take her heart and run as fast as she can?

well all that means absolutely nothing now. It may as wll not have happened. i try not to have regrets in life and I said before that I didnt regret the experience but right now i do regret it.

A little fairy tale before bedtime ;)

Once upon a time in a far away land lived a little girl called Bella. Bella lived with her parents and four brothers and two dogs. She also had grandparents who lived closeby who doted on her.
Bella had a very happy life over all. She had love in her and was surrounded by love.....
The years went by and time moved on, Bella left home to conquer the big bad world.

At first it didnt seem so bad, she made new friends and met new people and saw new things. The world tasted, smelt, looked, sounded and felt amazing! Everyday was an adventure for our Bella! And one day Bella met a prince.....lets call him Prince Enigma. From the very day she met him she knew there was something different about him. And she even tried to stop the inevitable. But you cant stop fate when it sets itself in motion, dear Bella.

So Bella fell in love with the prince. Oh he was handsome, he was. His very smile brightened up her world. And Bella loved him. Time went by and Bella was still enchanted by the prince, but with times passage came revelations for she learned that her beloved prince had lied to her. But Bella loved him and believed that love conquered all. And yet more time passed, and still her love for the prince continued to deepen. Just the thought of him made her heart burst with joy. For Bella loved the prince. So purely, so unconditionally, so completely.....For love conquers all.

but what Bella didnt know is that as her love for the prince deepened she was losing a part of herself. Deep down inside she knew the prince didnt love her. Love doesnt lie. love doesnt cheat. but Bella couldnt bring herself to accept this. She had waited her whole life for the right man, wasnt this him? wasnt this Prince the man she had waited for all her life?
Maybe if she loved him a little bit more it would be better. Maybe if she showed him how much she loved him he would realise that she was the one he should be with. but Bella was on the wrong path, for true love doesnt have to try. It just is.

There was nothing Bella wouldnt do for the Prince, she loved him, she made sacrifices for him. And still he let her wither. And all along it was bringing her down. Bit by bit, everyday she was withering. The spring in her step was disappearing, her shine was fading.....but still she loved the Prince.

One day it all ended. Bella and the Prince ended their love. She was devastated. She had lost the great love. But Bella loved the Prince still. For love is not selfish. If it meant losing him forever so he could be happy, Bella was willing to make the sacrifice. For in her world loving someone means making sure they are happy even if it means taking youself out of their lives.

She never thought she would smile again. How could she smile when her great love was gone? She thought she could never laugh again. How could she laugh when she couldnt be with her great love again? It was all gone. Every moment she had spent with the Prince meant nothing, and as he carried on with his life she tried to move on. But Bella loved the prince still.

Over time she began to heal, but not once did she forget the Prince. She never forgot how he had made her feel. She never forgot how he made her laugh. She went to new lands and met new people. She started new chapters in her life. She smiled again, she laughed again. She blossomed into the woman she was meant to be.

And yet in spite of everything the Prince had done to her, she loved him still. She wondered where he was, if he was happy, if he had found whatever he was looking for, if he had ever really loved her, if he had just used her, if she would ever love again, if she could ever love again.
And still Bella loved the Prince.....

......to be continued

long day.....

I spent the better part of today in A&E with a loved one. They fell down the stairs and couldnt walk so we went to the hopsital. Anyway i determined i am a worry wart in the 6hours I spent in that hospital! I wish I could cushionb a nd protect evryone that i love from harm! when something bad happens to them im always thinking 'what could I have done to stop this, this is my fault!' its so illogical but thats me....its a bit better ow but nonetheless, there I was in the A&E feeling really scared about this sitation with the ankles and knees of my loved ones, compounded with their other health problems......

I always try and rember what Jesus said about worrying, about how God clothes the flowers and he feeds the birds everyday....so why cant He have my back. Its about trusting in God. So thats what Im always thinking of, faith, hope and trust. what do they mean? and how can i achieve that state of mind? To know that He has my back no matter what, and to relinquish some of that control. why sit around worrying about things that I cannot change?

Anyway, Im back home...feeling knackered but good. I spent all day thinking about that Kirk franklin song where he says that every time a wound heals somehthing comes to take that healing away. Pity party 2010....lol! Well I got some KFC and tried to snap out of it.....I got a berakthrough today, I have a place to live. So thank goodness for that! I was really scared to be homeless on the streets of Jozi but its all worked out in the most unanticipated manner. God takes care of his children.

ok now Melrose Place is on...gotta check out the fashion

I'll holler!

....getting ready for church

oh dont you love my prawn salad with a coconut dressing there on the left? I love trying out new recipes.....

Why I always gotta get ready for church at the last minute??? and Im listening to Britney so Im sure throughout the sermon Imma be like 'womanizer womanizer oh you're a womanizer!'....I have trouble with going to church yall. I have a really short attention span, I must have some sort of undiagnosed ADHD or sumthin, cos after half an hour of listening to the sermon Im gone....and my churh has three 1hour segments to everything.....Truly there should be a service for people like me. A nice 30minute sermon like BHAM when i get in cos i will still be fresh then a 30-40minute class so i can talk cos Im sure I would have woken up and can participate.....then home time.
People go back for the afternoon service, but Im like yall we just spent the morning together, now yall wanna do this again?? i swear i dont mean it in an evil way, its more the practicality of it.
So i watched this documentary on Liberia last night before I went to sleep. i was warned not to watch it before i slept, but you know that means I was really curious.....BIG mistake. I was freaked the heck out! The guy who made it described some parts as being a hell hole. I am so grateful for what I have, my upbringing, the things I have been exposed to. I have had a pretty normal upbringing and when I see things like what I saw in that docu I am truly grateful! Im gonna see if i have permission to post the video here because its an eye-opener!

so this is my second last weekend here :( TEARS really! My mum called me yesterday as i got out the bath, and im like whats up? and she said she just wanted to see me....aww she breaks my heart. You know mums are so important, when it comes to the crunch thats the only person who i gonna have your back no matter what...So Im tryin to enjoy my time here with mummy but at the same time its breaking my heart. I wish i could pack her up in a suitcase and have her with me!

...Vision board and ramblings

I admit when I first heard about the vision boards, i thought they were some weird New Age creepy thing....lol! But i watched a video Shanel Cooper did on the subject and it really energised me. I realised a vision board is what you make it.

Whats so different between someone writing new years resolutions on a piece of paper, and someone grabbing a board and sticking pictures of their goals on it? Nothing at all really. Its a great tool for people like myself who are 'global' and like to see the bigger picture.
I mean I havent done anything like that since I was a kid, but once I got into it and had all my pictures and glue etc, i got into it. Its not about just sticking pretty pictures on it. its about really thinking about the things you want to 'attract' into your life. What is it that you really want? what are your hearts desires? once you get into it you will be really surprised what you find out about yourself.

I remembered how much I loved art. And a few weeks later I stood in the National Gallery looking at the works of Da Vinci, van Gogh and many of the great masters. The beauty alone made me want to cry.
I'm pretty sure I wouldnt have done that had I not been reminded on the day I sat down to make that board.
now my board is choc-a-block with all the things Im aiming for.

Why do I get out of bed every morning? For my present and my future....and what does that involve? the people I love, the things i love...hopes, dreams, aims, ambitions, goals.... to live for the glory of God
We are only passing through this earth and we must set our minds on higher things. Its important to keep that in mind, the way we live our lives here on earth will influence our life on the other side.

So what is important is to live each day to the fullest. One of the statements on my vision board is "JOY-Jesus Others Yourself", my late grandfather taught me that as a young girl. No man is an island, we must always live our lives with our focus to Heaven, we must love others and not forget ourselves.

So once you acknowledge all of that everything else will follow. Everything you need will be given to you in accordance. We were taught to pray and say "Thy will be done" and even though i have alot of things on my vision board, I know that I will receive what I need.

Ultimately I pray for balance and stability in my life.....to have peace in my heart. To have health and happiness. While I strive to attain the perfect career so I can get those clothes, those shoes, that house and that car, I never forget that i must strive harder for the Kingdom of Heaven.